Browsing Category: Rambling

Shopping with my tiny baby

January 29, 2016 Zoe

Since having the little rugrat, I often feel homebound. It’s gotten worse since starting breastfeeding, as I’m permanently attached to Harley (at least that’s how it feels) and worried about leaving her at home with Dean for longer periods of time. Getting out of the house, going shopping, or meeting with friends can feel like a challenge which is why most of my socializing has been limited to people coming over for visits. However, I was tired of feeling like I needed reinforcements for even the most basic tasks out of the house, so I had to see if I could go shopping on my own. Sure, it will always be easier with an extra pair of hands, but is it possible? Yes. Yes it is. Continue Reading

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3 Comments Rambling

Breastfeeding: beyond the milk

January 27, 2016 Zoe

When Harley was born early, I was stuck in the ICU for a bunch of days. Thankfully, when I transferred back to the maternity ward, I managed to get the hang of breast pumping within a few days, feeding my little preemie with exclusively breast milk. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to do this, and proud that she was exclusively breastfed even though we weren’t able to nurse. It wasn’t easy, but with the importance and benefits of breast milk, I was glad to be able to feel like a good mom to my little one while she was still in the NICU.

Upon getting her home, breastfeeding was still an issue. She was so small and would get so hungry that instead of latching onto the boob, Harley would just cry and scream. It was way easier to give her a bottle of expressed milk, plus it seemed to be the only way to feed her. It was time consuming to need to pump and give bottles, but we had to do what we had to do and again, I was proud to be her food source even if she wasn’t drinking straight from the boob. Now, that she is taking the breast, I realize that breastfeeding is about way more than just milk. Continue Reading

5 Comments Breast feeding, Rambling

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Things we shouldn’t say: I despise my baby

January 19, 2016 Zoe

Parenthood is such a lonely experience. Sure, there are tons of groups and blogs and communities to get involved in, but at 3am when you’re sitting with a screaming baby, you’re on your own. But that’s not even loneliest part about it; the worst part is that somehow, I’ve felt like I’m the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am, or maybe people are liars, or maybe nostalgia makes parents forget, but dealing with a newborn/preemie is absolutely awful.

Sure, there may be sweet moments, but when you’re sleep deprived and drained, there is only so much you can take. Well, only so much that I can take. And while Harley is objectively gorgeous and adorable, she seems way less so when she has been crying and screaming and robbing me and Dean of our rest and our sanity. Instead of staying quiet about it, feeling like I’m the only one, here’s what it’s really like even two weeks later with a baby who shouldn’t have even been born yet. Continue Reading

34 Comments Parenting, Rambling

Baby bad mother despise

Exhaustion, blues, or postpartum depression?

January 11, 2016 Zoe

Harley and I have had a weird journey so far. Starting out under such traumatic circumstances, we didn’t get to have that typical “bond in the first moments of life” that I was hoping for/planning on while pregnant. Then she was in the NICU and I took on the role of supermom as much as possible – pumping to have her exclusively breast fed, holding her as much as possible and doing everything I could to be an awesome mom to her. Then she came home.

The first day with her was utterly terrifying. I mean, I knew how to do the basics like clean her, change her, feed her, etc. But to know what she wanted when she would scream and wail? Not so much. It was incredibly daunting, but as everyone promised, it did get easier. Then there was a rough night that left me utterly exhausted and I became convinced that Dean and I had made a terrible mistake having this child. She felt like an awful house guest who would never leave, and I was devastated. Thankfully that feeling passed, but I have been keeping tabs on my emotional state. Continue Reading

5 Comments Parenting, Rambling

Baby blues Motherhood Parenting

The parable of the plugged duct

January 4, 2016 Zoe

I haven’t updated this blog since my birthday, which was quite a few weeks ago. I had planned to write words more often, but somehow they just didn’t flow when I would sit down to write. I remember my mom saying that Writer’s Block was usually more a result to censoring oneself – it’s hard to find anything to write about when certain topics are off limits. And I suppose that was part of the problem. I had ideas of what I wanted to write for New Year’s, but I woke up on the first of January with a blocked milk duct, which has been painful and occupying way more time and energy than I would have imagined.

Of course, now that it’s started to be relieved, I can only see it as something of a metaphor. I was blocked in what I wanted to write about, blocked in what I was willing to think about, and physically blocked in terms of what I could actually produce. As it’s slowly clearing (but not entirely and I’m totally open to all your blocked duct advice!), I’m slowly able to share more of the feelings that have been taking me on a rollercoaster the past couple weeks. Continue Reading

1 Comment Breast feeding, Marriage, Parenting, Rambling

Breast Feeding Emotions Feelings