Tag Archives: Feminism

Promiscuous feminists, rape culture, bathrooms and mothering a daughter

stanford rape case

I tried to write this post yesterday and failed miserably. Maybe it’s because I felt like there was a lack of focus to my post, or maybe because there were so many things I wanted to write about. It felt like a jumbled mess and I wasn’t sure how to share it. But then I realized that just because my thoughts are a jumbled mess doesn’t mean I shouldn’t share them. So, here’s what I’m thinking about at the moment, mostly inspired by the whole Stanford rape case situation.

It starts with location. I remember when I was getting ready to move to South Africa, I was very aware that Joburg was the rape capital of the world – not exactly an accolade for the city. I was worried that I would become a victim, that South Africa would feel more dangerous than any other place I’ve ever lived. Luckily, I still live a very safe life, but I am aware of the risks in this country. Then again, I’m no more aware here than I was growing up in New York City, or living in LA or any other city. It’s an awareness and vigilance that women worldwide need to have. Continue Reading

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On being authentically myself

We often hear the advice when people are going on dates or for job interviews or any other first impression situations – “just be yourself”. As if you could be anyone else anyway. But nevertheless, I still have been asked a lot about how I’m so open on this blog. I talk about so many things, from parenting woes to post-baby sex to postpartum depression. And yet, I hesitate every time I post a picture (or video) of Harley online. It’s a strange balancing act, but an important one.

There were many years when I would try to fit in. It’s not that I would change who I was, but I did try to adapt to my environment a bit more than might have been necessary. Each time I reclaimed my true and authentic self, it felt like I could finally breathe again. It’s part of why I love the geek and gamer culture so much – it’s a bunch of weird and wonderful people who get excited about niche things and don’t try to hide it. It’s why I hope for Harley to be a natural born geek – not just because I hope she finds some of those gaming or geeky things interesting, but because I want her to embrace those things that might make her different without ending up feeling weird. But I have to lead by example. Continue Reading

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How raising a daughter is making me rethink feminism

feminism kid

My mom was a hilarious feminist when I was growing up. We still laugh how when I was potty trained, she had offered to buy me ANYTHING I wanted, and I asked for a Barbie. This made her so conflicted, and she ended up buying me Doctor Barbie; when I’d comment on how pretty her hair was or her pretty dress, she’d tell me “She’s a physician, a respected member of the community!” – we still howl with laughter. When I was a bit older and wanted to wear eye shadow, she said that first we needed to “discuss the political ramifications of makeup”- one of my all time favorite phrases to this day.

It was all part of her quest to raise me as an empowered and confident woman, something that I want to do for Harley as well. While I’m not as worried about dolls or makeup, I am worried about the world I’m raising her in. I recently read a brilliant article about a mom’s take on the whole transgender bathroom debate. For her, it has nothing to do with bathrooms, she isn’t worried about  her daughter getting assaulted in the ladies room. No, she’s worried about the statistical likelihood that her daughter will be pressured into underage sex, or drugs, or drinking. She’s worried about the statistical likelihood that her baby will be violently raped before the age of 35, that she’ll be a victim of institutionalized sexism. Continue Reading

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On getting kicked out of the boy’s club

I have always been “one of the guys”. As a kid, I used to have mostly male friends and I always felt at home with the banter and jokes of being around the boys. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed more and better female friendships with women who are truly brilliant, hilarious and awesome in every way. But I still always feel at home with my male friends and colleagues. At least, most of the time.

Over on Lazygamer.net, where I work, I often write about how I haven’t experienced the kind of sexism or abuse that is so often talked about in gaming and tech. It’s not to say that it never happens, of course it does, but not on the scale or frequency as often depicted. When it has happened, I’ve made a point of calling it out, highlighting what happened and why it wasn’t cool, so that hopefully people can improve or at least be more aware in the future. But this most recent experience probably had more to do with my being pregnant rather than female, although it was no less distressing. Continue Reading

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On raising a girl strong enough to be called a dumb woman

It was a bit of a difficult weekend for me. I had fun and it wasn’t something on my mind the whole time, but there was some drama at work. The joy of my work being on the internet is that the whole world can see it. Over on lazygamer.net, I wrote a review of NBA 2K16. It’s a really great game when you get to experience the cool basketball action, but it’s also primarily locked behind online servers, so if the severs are down, the gameplay experience is seriously less than optimal. I wrote about the good and the bad in my review, the way I have for countless games, but the response I got was filled with quite a lot of vitriol. I’m used to this, and have come to expect it, but it affected me in a new way this time.

I often joke with the guys at work about being the only woman, about how my opinions are automatically seen as less valid because I have a vagina. The reality is that when people agree with me, they generally don’t even notice my gender. When they disagree, the easiest thing to do is blame the fact that I’m just an idiot woman who shouldn’t be writing game reviews. We laugh at the comments like that, and often joke about feeding off the hate. But now I’m bringing a little girl into the world, and even if she is the smartest person alive, she will be criticized for what she thinks because she’s a woman. Continue Reading

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