Pregnancy is weird. Or maybe I’m weird, or maybe it’s a combination of both. I haven’t had a particularly difficult pregnancy, knock on wood. I haven’t had a lot of the symptoms that would have made this experience much more unpleasant – no morning sickness, minimal breakouts and while I have some moody days, they aren’t as overwhelming and omnipresent as they could be. But I definitely go in waves about the whole pregnancy thing.
Don’t get me wrong, there are moments that are incredible. I love going for the scans and see what she’s up to in there. I love feeling her little kicks, even when they’re at 3am and I wish she’d just go to sleep. It’s incredible to think that she is growing in there, a part of me and then one day will be separate from me. I am growing a human, even if I sometimes joke that she’s just a parasite. It feels incredibly alien, but also amazing sometimes. But today I feel like I’m bad at it all.
I haven’t done all that much to prepare. I mean, mentally I have. I know the type of mom I want to be, I’ve been reading about breast feeding, about educational philosophies, about gendered parenting and how I can raise a little girl to be empowered and open to the world. But it’s only in the last week or so that I’ve started thinking about the actual process of birth. I mean, I knew I wanted a natural birth if I could, but hadn’t really thought much beyond that.
Today, I went to see my midwife. It was our first meeting, and she seemed really nice. Thus far, I’ve just been going to the gynae for scans, but for natural births he recommends seeing the midwives instead and that sounded nice to me. For the most part, I knew the answers to her questions – I know how far along I am, I asked to sign up for ante-natal classes and I knew my blood type. But then she asked me how much I weighed before getting pregnant as compared to at the start of the pregnancy and now – I didn’t know any of those numbers. I also haven’t done as much exercise as I’ve wanted to; I keep meaning to go for walks and do the pre-natal yoga videos I’ve collected on YouTube, but it just isn’t grabbing me the way that weightlifting did. But I just wonder if I asked enough questions, or the right ones…
Have I already failed at pregnancy? I’m not going to go as far as saying that I’ll fail at motherhood. I mean, we all fail in our own ways, but I think that I’ll do more good than bad as a mom… at least, I hope so. But I just haven’t done all the right things as a pregnant woman, and I’m not sure if I ever will. Does that make me a failure, or a human? Is there anyone who gets this 100% right, who has already done up the perfect baby room/spot and who eats right and exercises and doesn’t ever just wish she could have a stiff drink? Why do I need to judge myself so much about how I am as a pregnant woman – it’s just about being healthy and getting through, isn’t it? The point is just to make sure my little princess Harley is born safe and healthy and then I can get to real part of being her mommy. I just wish today were easier. And cooler – this heatwave is making me far too tired and irritable.