Browsing Category: Rambling

Thoughts on the night before Christmas 2016

I’ve been wanting to write some words all day. I haven’t been writing much the last few days, enjoying my time on leave instead. I’ve been playing Stardew Valley, Watch Dogs 2 and finishing up some odds and ends of Final Fantasy XV, as well as watching The Crown on Netflix. I’ve also been playing with my kid, running errands and finally sorting out her American citizenship (which I promise I will write about soon). It’s been a lovely time away from work, time in my own head, and time with two of the people who mean the most to me in the whole world. I’ve been thinking a lot though as we head into this holiday, about where we are and where we are going. I recently wrote a post about what I’m thankful for, so that’s not exactly what I want to do here, but I’ve been struggling to put my thoughts into a discernible order. So, instead of putting them into order, here they are in all their chaotic beauty.

My heart is heavy when I think about the world at the moment. Whether you believe the story of the nativity is truth, or a parable, it feels rather important at the moment. Mary and Joseph were fleeing persecution, and no one would let them in. Finally, a kind person let them into their barn, where Mary ended up giving birth. It’s a story that is meant to remind us that even in our darkest moments, light can come into the world. That even the most poor and desperate people can bring something beyond value into this world. It’s a reminder during the dark days of the Winter Solstice (which feels odd when we celebrate down here in South Africa seeing as it’s summer) that light and warmth and goodness can return to the world. Continue Reading

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Comment Geek, Marriage, Parenting, Rambling

Is my baby a toddler?

is my baby a toddler

I’ve sort of gotten used to being a mom of a baby. I mean, as used to it as you can get – I’m tired a lot, and so much busier than I ever imagined, but I sort of have it figured out. But the rules are changing and I can feel it; Harley is growing up so fast, and as I watch her pull herself up to standing, I’ve been wondering… is my baby a toddler? Where do you draw that line?

From what I’ve read online, everyone has their own definition. Some people say that a baby becomes a toddler once they can walk. Others say it’s from when they are a year old. Others give you until the baby is 18 months. And while Harley will always be MY baby, I’m not too sure that she’s actually a baby anymore. I think she’s a toddler. Continue Reading

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7 Comments Rambling

Changing how I see myself, or at least trying

This past Saturday, Dean, Harley and I did a photo shoot. Dean had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said that I wanted a family photoshoot. I know he hates when we take pictures, he hates that sort of public flaunting of our life, love, happiness. But, because he is always willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy, he said cool. I found an amazing photographer who not only has a great eye, but also was willing to do a shoot that was a bit different to what you see usually in family photoshoots. If you’re looking for an amazingly reasonably priced photographer who is also a lovely human, I can’t recommend Meg highly enough. Seriously – go check her out.

Anyway, I got the photos from her that evening (yes, her turn around time was incredible) and I adored them. But I also did the usual thing that I think all women (and plenty of men) do. I didn’t see the gorgeous smiles, the pure love and joy. No, I saw the shots where I had an extra chin, where I looked fat, where i didn’t like my teeth or my skin or whatever else. I was so negative, not about the photos, but about myself. But then I had a revelation and I am changing how I see myself. Continue Reading

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10 Comments Breast feeding, Parenting, Rambling

Motherhood has made me jealous, of time

jealous of time

Last night, Harley wouldn’t go to sleep. I blame myself – I broke her usual routine. We normally use bath time as a natural sedative. I take her for a bath, read her a book, give her boob and put her to bed, and it works like a charm. But I was an idiot last night. I was playing a fantastic game for review, and I just wanted to keep playing/working. Harley was happily playing on the floor with her toys, so I figured she’d play and tire herself out and still go to bed around her normal time. Well, at 10:30 when I was doing anything and everything to try and calm her down and get her to sleep, I realized I was an idiot. But in that exhausted haze, I experienced another feeling and it wasn’t pretty. I was jealous.

You see, while I was playing my game, I was also watching Harley play in the lounge while my husband chilled in the study, watching videos and playing games. It’s not to say he doesn’t help out – he kept an eye on Harley while I did dishes and started dinner, then swapped with me to finish dinner while I hung out with her. He is always fine to spend time with her so that I can take a shower or pop out to the store. But you see, the default is that I’m in charge of her. The default is that I will watch her while I’m watching TV or playing games or working or whatever else. If I ask him to watch her, he does and he’s great with her… until she crawls into the room I’m in saying “mamamamamamama”. Continue Reading

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9 Comments Marriage, Parenting, Rambling

Happy 1st Birthday, Harley

1st birthday

Today, my tiny little preemie princess turns one. ONE! How has a whole year gone by already? How is it already her 1st birthday?! It’s that usual conundrum of time moving so quickly when we look back, and yet feeling like it was standing still at times. Those first few months were so slow, so hard. She seemed to be in the hospital for ages, needing time to grow and become ready for the world. Then we got her home, and that was a whole new kind of hard. The days and weeks blurred together like a weird exhaustion-induced fever dream. And all of a sudden I’ve woken up and my little baby, my tiny princess is a year old.

I had so many plans for this post, for all the words that I wanted to write about Harley, about how far she has come, about what this year has been like. And yet, I’m finding myself just sitting here, listening to her breathe while she sleeps on my chest, feeling the weight of her tiny body against mine. This is the new normal, this is my life now – I am the safe place for a tiny person. I am her mommy and she is my baby and that is our life. Until she wakes up, of course, and then I become her jungle gym, food court and general entertainment system.  Continue Reading

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5 Comments Rambling