This morning, I am feeling particularly happy and excited about the baby growing inside me. I love her already, and she hasn’t even entered this world yet. She is growing inside my body, but also seems to be growing in the size she takes up in my head each day. There are still moments when I stop thinking about being pregnant, about what’s going on inside my body, but then there are the reminders that make me think about her again. Usually, that’s a good and exciting thing, but last night was different.
After picking Dean up from work, I told him that I was taking him for a drink. We don’t do it as often as we used to, but it’s just nice to sit outside and talk to each other; if it takes the excuse of a beer in his hand to do it, then it works for me. We went to our complex clubhouse and he had a couple beers, I had some ginger ale and we shared a pub basket. We had some big laughs, talked about work and life and random stuff I don’t even remember, and then we went home. As usual for us, the evening consisted of me playing a review game in the lounge while he played his games and watched YouTube in the study. Whenever either of us had a break, we’d check in on the other before returning to our separate gaming. It was a really nice evening.
When I got into bed, I realized that evenings like that might become a thing of the past. Sure, we might still be able to still go for a couple drinks after work and just cart Harley along. We might still have quiet evenings filled with gaming and relaxation after a long day of work. Then again, she might consume all our energy and attention, especially in the beginning, to the point where I’m so exhausted and tired of being touched that getting into bed with my husband doesn’t include any cuddling, kissing or interest of any kind. All our focus might be on getting her to sleep, or eat, or play, or just spent playing with those chubby little toes. Obviously priorities change, and the new born phase won’t last forever, but I was overwhelmed last night with the terrifying thought – I might be ruining everything.
Okay, that was hyperbole. Sorta. But I am just so happy with my husband. We are so good together and our life is such fun. We decided to have a kid because we thought it would be a rad new adventure to go on together, but are we actually just ruining the awesome time we have now? I’m sure I will love Harley with my whole heart, and she will completely change how I even define love. I am so excited to do so much with her, so amped to meet her, to make this human and see how she interacts with the world, but I am also sort of terrified. This is going to totally change our lives forever. Do we even have any idea what we’ve gotten ourselves into?