I went to an event yesterday. It was in the middle of the day, and ended up taking me away from home for quite a bunch of hours. I was so grateful to have my mom around – she was able to watch Harley and keep in the loop about how things were going so that I could just try to enjoy myself. After being out for over three hours, Harley was starving and my boobs were bursting and we had a wonderful reunion. But it was more than feeding time; I was missing her.
When I’ve missed her before, it was sort of like leaving the house without your bag. It felt like something was missing and I was worried the whole time. But now that Harley is developing her own personality, I actually missed her. Not the idea of her, not nursing or whatever else, I missed her silly smile and laugh. I wanted to cuddle her and love her. And it was the most wonderful sign for me.
It sort of reminded me of when I’ve moved to new places. When you move somewhere new, it’s fun and exciting, but also scary and daunting. It doesn’t feel like home right away. But then you get the chance to travel somewhere else, and that feeling of returning home makes the new place feel like it really is “home”. That’s what this felt like. I’m really enjoying my time with Harley at the moment. She responds so much more now when we sing songs, play games, read books, or just generally hang out. She is so much more alert and excited. Of course that also means she is much more exhausting and requires a ton more attention. And while it was a nice treat to be away from her without any worries, it was also so great to be able to miss her, to be excited to come home to her, and to want to spend the evening playing to reconnect after the hours apart.
Having my mom around to watch her was great, because I could see that missing her and thinking about her was more about my bonding with my baby rather than concerns if things are going according to my wishes. I do love Harley so very much, and I really did miss her. Like a sign of being in love, it makes me even happier and more in love.