Tag Archives: bad mother

The moment it was all worth it

April 22, 2016 Zoe

Maybe it was the postpartum depression, but I didn’t have that feeling of falling madly in love with Harley from the moment she was born. I loved her, but it was really hard in the beginning because I was so sick and she was in the NICU. Then we got her home and she was really difficult and it was a huge adjustment. But things have been getting easier with her, and she’s starting to show her personality, which is just such fun. Yesterday was a really hard day with her, and yet it was the day I finally had that feeling of being overwhelmed with love for her.

For those who follow the Wonder Weeks, Harley was in a leap week. She still sorta is, but yesterday was the worst of it – she was uncomfortable and upset and just seemed to cry the whole day. I had a lunch meeting, and normally I’d take her along with me, but I knew she would just scream and be a distraction and I needed to be at the top of my game. So I left her with her granny, and I felt horrible for doing so. Oh the joys of motherhood – so much guilt no matter what I do. Continue Reading

DID YOU LIKE THIS POST?

If you like these words, please check out more of what I say on twitter and Facebook, and pics I take on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on Pinterest.
Also, please be sure to sign up to my carefully curated, crafted and infrequent newsletter.

4 Comments Parenting

How much attention does my baby need every day?

March 10, 2016 Zoe

Being back at work has forced me into a balancing act. I want to do my best at my job, while also taking care of my tiny person. Harley isn’t a particularly difficult baby. Yes, she cries at times, but once I hold her, feed her and make sure she’s clean, she’s generally quite happy. But that doesn’t make balancing both activities easy, and I realized a big part of my guilt lies in feeling like I’m not doing enough with Harley.

I have these images in my head of orphanages when communism fell in the USSR. You know, the rows of cribs and babies crying for hours without any attention. These poor neglected babies who weren’t raised with love, who didn’t get the necessary stimulation, who were condemned at an early age to a life without opportunities every child should get. Now, obviously Harley’s experience is nothing like that, but it doesn’t get the mental image out of my head. I’m not neglecting my baby, but I am focusing on other things from time to time. But how bad is that? How much attention does a baby need? Continue Reading

Comment Parenting

attention bad mother development

Failing as a Work at Home Mom

March 8, 2016 Zoe

I love the term “Work at Home Mom” (WAHM). It’s much more accurate than working mom, or stay-at-home mom. I’m working, and mothering, from the home, and the onomatopoeia of the acronym works well too – it’s the sound of your energy hitting the floor by the end of the day.

Today marks a full week that I’ve been back at work. It hasn’t been easy. Okay, that’s sort of an understatement, as is “it’s going to take some getting used to”. The reality is, working from home with a baby to take care of is ridiculously hard. There are the odd moments when Harley sleeps and I’m able to focus on the work I want and need to get done. But most of the time, she is wanting my attention just as much as my work is, and I end up feeling like a failure on both accounts. Continue Reading

7 Comments Parenting, Rambling

bad mother Motherhood Parenting

How I started to fall in love with my baby

February 8, 2016 Zoe

About three weeks ago, I wrote a rather miserable post. I was tired, frustrated and totally befuddled by Harley. She would cry and I would panic – what was I supposed to do to fix it? I only really liked her when she slept, and I felt like a horrible mother for it. I started by forgiving myself and accepting that a mother’s love didn’t have to be the typical image we see of it, but just that I kept trying to help her, even when I was clueless. But things really started to get easier when Harley started breastfeeding once she hit her due date; the power of nursing can’t be stressed enough for me. It makes me feel close to her, and gives me more agency because I feel there is something I can physically do to stop her crying, more than just shoving a bottle in her mouth.

But while things were improving, the process of falling in love with her was also moving along. Our massage class helped so much, and continues to help. It’s so great learning new things that I can do with her. I had planned on reading to her, playing games and other activities as she got older, but when she’s just a blob it felt like I couldn’t really do much with her. Now, we play with massages, physical games, songs, and tummy time. I can’t believe the surge of pride I feel when I see how strong she is, how I keep telling anyone who will listen that she’s going to be a genius. Slowly, I’ve realized that I’m growing to love her. Continue Reading

2 Comments Parenting, Rambling

bad mother Breast Feeding Breastfeeding

Things we shouldn’t say: I despise my baby

January 19, 2016 Zoe

Parenthood is such a lonely experience. Sure, there are tons of groups and blogs and communities to get involved in, but at 3am when you’re sitting with a screaming baby, you’re on your own. But that’s not even loneliest part about it; the worst part is that somehow, I’ve felt like I’m the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am, or maybe people are liars, or maybe nostalgia makes parents forget, but dealing with a newborn/preemie is absolutely awful.

Sure, there may be sweet moments, but when you’re sleep deprived and drained, there is only so much you can take. Well, only so much that I can take. And while Harley is objectively gorgeous and adorable, she seems way less so when she has been crying and screaming and robbing me and Dean of our rest and our sanity. Instead of staying quiet about it, feeling like I’m the only one, here’s what it’s really like even two weeks later with a baby who shouldn’t have even been born yet. Continue Reading

34 Comments Parenting, Rambling

Baby bad mother despise