I have been staring at a blank screen for 5 minutes now. I had all sorts of thoughts and ideas that I wanted to write about what it feels like to have a 9-month old baby. But I managed to get her to take a nap, and instead of working furiously as usual when she sleeps, I’ve just been enjoying the quiet for a bit. Which I suppose is the biggest change, the biggest shift in who I am and how I see the world. Nine months down the line, and it feels as if Harley has brought a new version of me into the world.
I keep thinking about one aspect of time, over and over again. Harley came eight weeks early. I didn’t get the full nine months of pregnancy, I didn’t get to go into labor; I had a very unique jump into motherhood. And yet, in my head, pregnancy still lasts nine months. In my head, this month-iversary is an important one because it would normally mark a point when Harley would have spent as much time outside my body as she did inside. Of course, we already hit that point a couple months ago, Still, this feels like a milestone celebration.
After nine months, I feel like I’m hitting a pretty good groove with Harley. Sure, she still makes me crazy sometimes, and I’m way more tired than I was before falling pregnant, but I’m blown away by this tiny person. She is growing so fast, not just physically, but also in terms of showing her personality and becoming a real little human. She laughs at stuff, and plays with her toys, and refuses a dummy but will happily suck on my shirt. She loves her bath time and has figured out that unplugging the USB cable on our consoles is guaranteed to get a reaction. She is determined to learn how to crawl. She is babbling away, learning to make all different kinds of noises.
She is also learning about distance, about objects being permanent. If she sees a wire she wants to play with (yes, she loves USB cables, PC charging cables, headset cables… I know I will lose my mind when she’s mobile and able to unplug everything around the house) and I try to distract her by putting another toy on top, she now knows to move the toy and still get the wire. That makes her a genius, right?
Every day she seems to show new abilities, new skills. She is learning so fast, growing so fast. I know I’m totally biased, but she is quite possibly the most beautiful baby that I’ve ever seen. She wasn’t always. Nine months ago, she was so tiny, so fragile, so terrifying. The little thing, full of wires who I was afraid to touch, afraid to pick up. And now… Now she is a normal-sized baby. Now she is so healthy, so full of life, so full of love. She smiles so much, and belly laughs. That tiny little thing now has a personality, a sense of humor, and a whole life ahead of her. It blows my mind.
So, happy nine months my little angel face. You have so totally changed my life, changed my perspective, changed my world. I love you, no matter how much I wish you’d just sleep a little bit more.