Today, Harley is two months old. Sure, with her being born eight weeks premature that means she’s essentially a week old, but that’s also not entirely true. Her development, and mine as her mother, lies somewhere in between. Milestones are a bit odd for both of us – she is far and away ahead of where you’d expect a one week old to be, but not quite where a two month old would be either. Meanwhile, I’m slowly starting to fall in love with her every day, and finding my feet as a mom as well.
I still find it hard to think of myself as a mom. I obviously am one, but it hasn’t settled in as a way of defining myself just yet. While I take care of Harley, and mother her in the best way that I know how, it isn’t as innate a self descriptor as woman, gamer, geek, wife or friend is – I suppose that will come in time, just like her ability to smile in response to stimulus or grab things put in front of her.
Two months ago, I was a pregnant woman, thinking I sort of knew what to expect when the baby came. Of course, nothing went to plan and the birth, entry into motherhood and first six weeks were not easy. Now, though, things are changing. It’s a slow process and there are still times when I’m stuck with a crying baby and no idea how to console her. However, most of the time she is getting easier. I think we are both getting used to each other; I am learning how to take care of her and she is learning what she needs. From feeding to changing and all the cuddles and bounces in between, we are starting to find our feet.
It’s hard to believe that we are both only and already two months old, her as a human and me as a mom. In a way, it feels much longer, although that could be because days and nights run together now. At the same time, the time has gone screaming past and I can’t believe it’s already two months – it seems like just yesterday that we were both in hospital, or that I came home without her, or that I finally brought her home, too. Two months of my life being completely and irrevocably changed, and it’s gone by in a flash.
I suppose all the things that normally would have happened in two months to a full term baby will come in time. Harley will start to smile in situations other than in her sleep, she will start to reach for things other than my hair while breast feeding, and I will continue to fall in love with her. Neither of us can rely on the usual milestones to gauge normal development, and that’s okay – we don’t have to be normal, we’ll just be ourselves.