Tag Archives: parenting philosophy

How raising a daughter is making me rethink feminism

feminism kid

My mom was a hilarious feminist when I was growing up. We still laugh how when I was potty trained, she had offered to buy me ANYTHING I wanted, and I asked for a Barbie. This made her so conflicted, and she ended up buying me Doctor Barbie; when I’d comment on how pretty her hair was or her pretty dress, she’d tell me “She’s a physician, a respected member of the community!” – we still howl with laughter. When I was a bit older and wanted to wear eye shadow, she said that first we needed to “discuss the political ramifications of makeup”- one of my all time favorite phrases to this day.

It was all part of her quest to raise me as an empowered and confident woman, something that I want to do for Harley as well. While I’m not as worried about dolls or makeup, I am worried about the world I’m raising her in. I recently read a brilliant article about a mom’s take on the whole transgender bathroom debate. For her, it has nothing to do with bathrooms, she isn’t worried about  her daughter getting assaulted in the ladies room. No, she’s worried about the statistical likelihood that her daughter will be pressured into underage sex, or drugs, or drinking. She’s worried about the statistical likelihood that her baby will be violently raped before the age of 35, that she’ll be a victim of institutionalized sexism. Continue Reading

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What a visit from my mom taught me about how I want to mother

mothering a mother

It has been an interesting journey, this mothering thing so far. I’ve thought about a range of things, from not letting my baby “cry it out”, how I gauge our time together, how I assess her progress, and even when and how I will start weaning her. I knew I wanted to raise a genius and a bookworm, as well as a woman who is strong and empowered while still compassionate and loving. I have so many big dreams for Harley, and so many ideas about parenting. But the latest visit from my mom has solidified a bunch of them, and expanded some others even more.

A bit of context – my mom and I are close. We have obviously had our fair share of squabbles or whatever – I don’t know any woman who matures to adulthood without having the teenage fights with her mom – but we got very close when my parents divorced. After my traumatic birthing story, we talked every day on Skype, and have continued to do so ever since. So we are “caught up” as far as telling each other the day to day stuff goes, but also as far as talking about the bigger issues or stories. But it’s still so different being in person. Continue Reading

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Stop asking about solids

baby solids

I don’t know what it is about becoming a mom, but suddenly it seems that everyone feels entitled to tell women what to do. I’ve had complete strangers tell me that I needed to put a hat on my baby, or socks, or to not bundle her up so much. Excuse me, but don’t you think her um, MOTHER would know what she needs?

At the moment, Harley is five months old. She is exclusively breast fed and gloriously chubby. I mean, really chubby. She even has fat rolls at her wrists and her ankles. Her growth  has continued to impress the sister when I take her to get weighed, and she is absolutely thriving. It is an incredible feeling for me – breast feeding has done so well for her. She went from being a tiny little preemie, to being a healthy chunky monkey. I am so grateful to be able to provide for her, to be able to give her the best possible food, and to be setting her up for a future of fewer allergies, illnesses and other issues. However, plenty of people have other opinions. Continue Reading

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Quality vs quantity time

quality vs quantity time

I cannot say it enough – I am incredibly lucky to be a work-at-home mom. It’s a lot of work and has its own unique challenges, but it does mean that I’m around to spend time with my little one during the day. I still have guilt about how I spend my time, particularly when I’m busy during the day and not feeling like I’m giving my best to my job or my kid. However, for the most part, I’ve found my rhythm that seems to work best for me and Harley.

But I do wonder about the question of quality time vs quantity time. The concept of quality time is one that I hear about often, mostly recently being reminded of it in a blog from The Blessed Barrenness. She wrote about feeling guilty that her quality time with her kids is spent preparing meals together, or washing the car or reading stories instead of extravagant memorable events. She then had an epiphany that this kind of time with her kids is exactly the best thing – she’s having quality time with them and that’s what really matters. While I agree with her that she’s doing exactly the right thing, I think I’d use a different term. Continue Reading

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Why I “spoil” my baby

I have been quite lucky so far. Aside from one passing comment about not cuddling my little one “too much” (who knew there was even such a thing), no one has accused me of spoiling my baby. I don’t really believe that kids can be spoiled, although maybe it’s just a terminology issue – some babies become materialistic and entitled, but I think that has more to do with how you raise them than how much stuff they have. As for spoiling with love, well, I simply don’t think that’s possible.

I’ve written before about the kind of mother I want to be, and I still stand by those words. I don’t let Harley “cry it out”, choosing rather to cuddle and comfort her. I want her to know that she is heard when she asks for help, even when she’s too young to articulate what she needs (or even know it herself). I already linked to an article explaining that children who are cuddled and loved as babies are more adjusted and have fewer mental health issues, but apparently it goes beyond even that. Continue Reading

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