Browsing Category: Rambling

Exhaustion, blues, or postpartum depression?

the blue period

Harley and I have had a weird journey so far. Starting out under such traumatic circumstances, we didn’t get to have that typical “bond in the first moments of life” that I was hoping for/planning on while pregnant. Then she was in the NICU and I took on the role of supermom as much as possible – pumping to have her exclusively breast fed, holding her as much as possible and doing everything I could to be an awesome mom to her. Then she came home.

The first day with her was utterly terrifying. I mean, I knew how to do the basics like clean her, change her, feed her, etc. But to know what she wanted when she would scream and wail? Not so much. It was incredibly daunting, but as everyone promised, it did get easier. Then there was a rough night that left me utterly exhausted and I became convinced that Dean and I had made a terrible mistake having this child. She felt like an awful house guest who would never leave, and I was devastated. Thankfully that feeling passed, but I have been keeping tabs on my emotional state. Continue Reading

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The parable of the plugged duct

I haven’t updated this blog since my birthday, which was quite a few weeks ago. I had planned to write words more often, but somehow they just didn’t flow when I would sit down to write. I remember my mom saying that Writer’s Block was usually more a result to censoring oneself – it’s hard to find anything to write about when certain topics are off limits. And I suppose that was part of the problem. I had ideas of what I wanted to write for New Year’s, but I woke up on the first of January with a blocked milk duct, which has been painful and occupying way more time and energy than I would have imagined.

Of course, now that it’s started to be relieved, I can only see it as something of a metaphor. I was blocked in what I wanted to write about, blocked in what I was willing to think about, and physically blocked in terms of what I could actually produce. As it’s slowly clearing (but not entirely and I’m totally open to all your blocked duct advice!), I’m slowly able to share more of the feelings that have been taking me on a rollercoaster the past couple weeks. Continue Reading

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Is “be the bigger person” always the best lesson?

Like most people, I learned the lesson growing up that sometimes life wasn’t going to be fair. Things don’t always work out the way that we feel they should, but that it’s more about behaving as a good person that will hopefully make a difference in this world. If we all gave up on being good people, the world would go into decline – someone has to set a good example.

When I was little, my mom used to refer to this as “taking the higher path”. There are always options in life, we can behave in a myriad ways, but it’s by choosing to be a better human that we can do good and hopefully move other people to do the same. It’s important to me that I raise Harley to be a good person, but I’m wondering what that actually means. Continue Reading

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Days like this

It’s hot, I’m uncomfortable, I’m tired and generally feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself today. I can’t help but feel like I’m a mess today, and I guess that’s okay, but it still isn’t fun. At this point, I wish that there were a nice cool cave for me to disappear into for the next few weeks – to avoid the heat and to avoid everything else that’s going on in life.

I know here are good days and bad days in any time in life. I can’t expect to go nine months without having days when I just want to curl up and disappear. And I also know that it’s up to me to decide if I’m going to have a good day or a bad day. It’s always in our own power to change our outlook and decide to change our experience of a day. At this point, though, I’m just not sure I have the oomph to get there. Maybe I’ll feel better after a swim, but right now, this day just isn’t working for me. Continue Reading

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Why I blog

It’s hot. Joburg is currently experiencing a heat wave that makes me want to die. Yesterday, I went swimming twice, and I think that I will do the same today. I was going to blog about living as a puddle for this week, but thanks to some conversations recently with a bunch of people, I realized that some of you might not really understand the point of this blog. I don’t think I’ve even totally clarified it for myself, so I might as well do the meta thing and blog about blogging.

I have been a long time diary keeper. Journaling has helped me figure things out, from how I feel about various people and situation, to actions that I think will be best. Writing on a regular basis helped strengthen the muscle, making it easier to write articles and other pieces on a regular basis. I still occasionally write in a journal, mostly because I love the feeling of putting (fountain) pen to paper, but this blog has taken over as my primary place of working things through. Continue Reading

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