Six weeks later

Today, I went to the doctor for my six week post-op check up. It’s kinda hard to believe that six weeks ago my life changed so completely. It feels like an eternity since then, although that could just be because I’ve been mostly awake for the past week of it, but still – so much has happened that turned everything upside down. I already sorta wrote about what I went through, although I’ve realized that there is so much more to the story. I mean, imagine being Dean, waking up to a wife with a mouth full of blood having a seizure? What about the ambulance that didn’t come, or the fact they couldn’t do the surgery until my blood pressure went down and it just wouldn’t, staying at a life-threatening 240/180 no matter how much medication they gave me.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on the day to day of being a first time mom to my princess Harley. I will continue to do so, but I think at a milestone like this, it’s important to look back as well. So much has changed in such a short period of time, it’s kind of hard to even process. That’s probably why I’ve been feeling so down lately, too – sleep deprivation will do that, but so will some PTSD and the emotional shock of adjusting to a complete lifestyle change a full two months before I was expecting it. Continue Reading

Lessons learned from the first week with an infant

Babies are hard work. There is no doubt about it. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s a different kind of hard than I anticipated. People talk about how awful it is dealing with dirty nappies, but that’s seriously been the least of my worries. I’d rather change dirty nappies all day long than try to figure out why Harley won’t sleep or what’s causing her to cry. But I have learned a lot in this first week with her.

I think the biggest thing has been to believe in myself. Somehow, I know how to be a mom. not just any mom, but Harley’s mom. I may have picked up some cool tips and advice from people and articles along the way, but the implementation and differentiations are all me. A week into this, and I’m trusting myself in a whole new way – this is more than living my own life according to my own rules, it’s raising a new life, and doing it the way I think is best is really the only option. But here are some lessons learned so far. Continue Reading

Exhaustion, blues, or postpartum depression?

the blue period

Harley and I have had a weird journey so far. Starting out under such traumatic circumstances, we didn’t get to have that typical “bond in the first moments of life” that I was hoping for/planning on while pregnant. Then she was in the NICU and I took on the role of supermom as much as possible – pumping to have her exclusively breast fed, holding her as much as possible and doing everything I could to be an awesome mom to her. Then she came home.

The first day with her was utterly terrifying. I mean, I knew how to do the basics like clean her, change her, feed her, etc. But to know what she wanted when she would scream and wail? Not so much. It was incredibly daunting, but as everyone promised, it did get easier. Then there was a rough night that left me utterly exhausted and I became convinced that Dean and I had made a terrible mistake having this child. She felt like an awful house guest who would never leave, and I was devastated. Thankfully that feeling passed, but I have been keeping tabs on my emotional state. Continue Reading

The power of teamwork

I was and still am quite lucky – Dean managed to take two weeks off work to be at home while we figure things out with her. It’s always great to have him around, but it has been particularly helpful now. Having an extra pair of hands means that dishes get done, food gets cooked, and there’s the ability to tag out when baby stuff gets too much. We have been able to figure this whole parenting thing out together, and it’s been fantastic (in between the frustration and joy highs and lows).

I’m sure there will be more ups and downs – that’s what this journey is all about. However, I’ve loved the way that parenting already has brought us so much closer together. I already loved Dean, obviously, but watching him make faces at our little girl makes me melt. But there’s something even more that has made me feel closer to him than ever, and has made such a difference as a wife and mother. Continue Reading

Lessons learned from the first 24 hours with an infant

I finally have Harley home. In fact, as of the time of writing (or at least starting to write) this post, it’s been about 24 hours with her out of the NICU. It will still take a while to establish a new routine with her seeing as her NICU routine hasn’t really stuck since she’s been home. We have tried to maintain it to a degree, but there is no way that I’m waking her just to give her food at midnight or something. In fact, there’s no way that I’m going to wake her for much of anything unless she starts fussing or seems uncomfortable.

There is still so much to learn, and it will take a while to figure out what works best to keep her comfortable. I’m hoping Dean and I will also be more comfortable once the heatwave breaks – it will be way easier to cuddle with her and her baby blanket when it doesn’t feel like the fires of Mordor outside. Still, I have learned some things so far, that will probably be completely undone before I finish writing this. Continue Reading