Tag Archives: Bonding

When things got easier

Harley is now four months old. She is smiling, she is learning to roll over, and she is looking more beautiful each day. She is looking particularly beautiful to me today because I got seven hours of sleep in a row. Yup, Harley slept through the night and is looking radiantly gorgeous today, although that could also be because I’m happy and rested.

Not so long ago, I was having a very hard time with her. I was tired, I didn’t know what she wanted, she seemed to cry all the time, Dean was irritated by her – life wasn’t too great. But now Dean and I are having fun with her, I’m falling more in love with her each day, and life seems to be getting better and better. When did that happen? Continue Reading

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Babies: the real ball and chain

I adore my husband. I often say that he’s the only person I can be with every day and never get sick of his face – I suppose that’s important considering we’ve agreed to spend the rest of our lives together. We never refer to each other as “the old ball and chain”, in part because it’s rude, but also because it’s not true. We give each other plenty of space, spend time in the day apart, and never restrict each other’s activities. So no, my husband isn’t a ball and chain… but my baby sorta is.

The ball and chain was originally a physical restraint, but the idiom evolved into a burden or restraint in the form of a wife or job – something you can’t get away from. As I type this, I am holding Harley. She prefers to be held for hours every day, and in the past week I’ve probably spent about an hour apart from her. In total. And there’s no chance I can get early parole for good behavior. Continue Reading

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Breastfeeding: beyond the milk

When Harley was born early, I was stuck in the ICU for a bunch of days. Thankfully, when I transferred back to the maternity ward, I managed to get the hang of breast pumping within a few days, feeding my little preemie with exclusively breast milk. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to do this, and proud that she was exclusively breastfed even though we weren’t able to nurse. It wasn’t easy, but with the importance and benefits of breast milk, I was glad to be able to feel like a good mom to my little one while she was still in the NICU.

Upon getting her home, breastfeeding was still an issue. She was so small and would get so hungry that instead of latching onto the boob, Harley would just cry and scream. It was way easier to give her a bottle of expressed milk, plus it seemed to be the only way to feed her. It was time consuming to need to pump and give bottles, but we had to do what we had to do and again, I was proud to be her food source even if she wasn’t drinking straight from the boob. Now, that she is taking the breast, I realize that breastfeeding is about way more than just milk. Continue Reading

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Due date and on the boob

Yesterday was Harley’s original due date. Having had her around already for eight weeks, three of which at home, it’s hard to think that all this time she was still meant to be growing inside me. She is still tiny, but has grown so much already. She is actually like a “normal” newborn now, and is acting like it more and more. Sure, she still has her issues, but she doesn’t seem nearly as tiny and difficult as she was.

Or maybe I just feel that way because she has finally started breast feeding consistently. All weekend, I could just pop her on the boob instead of needing to pump and then give her a bottle. Okay, “pop her on the boob” might sound easier than it actually was – she still cries and struggles when hungry, needing to first be consoled before I can convince her that latching on a nipple is her best life choice – but it’s made life way easier. Plus, it’s had a bonding side effect. Continue Reading

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Bad dreams and positive thinking

creepy doll

Before I knew if I was having a little boy or a little girl, I had two dreams. In both of them, Harley was already born and a girl. I still wasn’t sure if I was growing a boy or a girl, but the dreams were interesting and when it turned out she was a girl after all, it was a cute little story to tell. Last night, I had another dream, and it wasn’t such a cute story.

I had a horrible nightmare last night, one that was probably born of my fears and insecurities. Basically, Harley was already born, and was sleeping with me and Dean in the bed. I woke up to find her dead. Actually, she didn’t look dead in my dream, she looked like a creepy, battered doll, but I kept crying in the dream that my baby was dead. Then I woke up with stiff fingers and a sore heart to my alarm clock all too early. Continue Reading

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