Tag Archives: Love

Does my baby like me?

Harley has started smiling, and it’s about the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. She is so cute, and that toothless smile is so pure and genuine – it’s amazing to see the most innocent joy cross her face. She loves to smile and is doing it more and more these days. I find myself acting like a circus act or something, willing to make all kinds of silly faces or sounds if it will make her face light up with a huge grin.

It also means that it’s becoming more clear what she likes and doesn’t like. She doesn’t just stare at things that interest her – she can now smile at it. She loves to smile at the TV, or my beer bottle, and she gives the biggest grins to her daddy. She does smile at me, but I often find myself trying to gauge how much she smiles at me. Does she recognize me? Does she like me? Continue Reading

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How a baby has changed my marriage, 4 months in

Today, Dean and I are celebrating our anniversary. Four years ago, we got married. Nine years ago, we started dating. It’s hard to believe how many years we’ve been together. On the one hand, it has gone so fast. On the other, I can’t imagine my life without him. Nine years of seeing his face and he still makes me smile. Nine years on, and my life is so much better for having him as my partner. Having a baby certainly has changed things, though.

The early days were hard. Like, really hard. Dean was an amazing partner to have; he focused on taking care of me so that I could take care of Harley. He took two weeks off for paternity leave, helping me figure things out when we brought Harley home from the hospital. He cooked us dinner, cleaned the house and generally just did everything to help and pamper me so that I could take care of the baby when she was still so new. But then he had to go back to work, and we had to find a new routine. Continue Reading

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How I started to fall in love with my baby

skull bib

About three weeks ago, I wrote a rather miserable post. I was tired, frustrated and totally befuddled by Harley. She would cry and I would panic – what was I supposed to do to fix it? I only really liked her when she slept, and I felt like a horrible mother for it. I started by forgiving myself and accepting that a mother’s love didn’t have to be the typical image we see of it, but just that I kept trying to help her, even when I was clueless. But things really started to get easier when Harley started breastfeeding once she hit her due date; the power of nursing can’t be stressed enough for me. It makes me feel close to her, and gives me more agency because I feel there is something I can physically do to stop her crying, more than just shoving a bottle in her mouth.

But while things were improving, the process of falling in love with her was also moving along. Our massage class helped so much, and continues to help. It’s so great learning new things that I can do with her. I had planned on reading to her, playing games and other activities as she got older, but when she’s just a blob it felt like I couldn’t really do much with her. Now, we play with massages, physical games, songs, and tummy time. I can’t believe the surge of pride I feel when I see how strong she is, how I keep telling anyone who will listen that she’s going to be a genius. Slowly, I’ve realized that I’m growing to love her. Continue Reading

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2 Comments Parenting, Rambling

What is (a mother’s) love?

The love and support following yesterday’s post was a huge relief. It was so reassuring to know I’m not the first person to resent or despise her child during the newborn phase, or really during any point in her life. The exhaustion, frustration and responsibility is enough to get to anyone; sleep deprivation is bad enough, but when combined with a bundle of need it’s made that much worse.

In my post, I mentioned feeling like a bad mother. I mean, a mother’s love is supposed to be enormous, unconditional and immediate. Moms aren’t supposed to be irritated to the point of wanting to run away, are they? But there was a lovely comment that I received yesterday, and it reframed my thinking on this. The love of a mother for her child is different from the love experienced for a partner, obviously, and it’s changing my thinking about love in general. Continue Reading

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Because friendships matter

It’s weird that while growing a future human who will be related to me, I’m thinking more about friends than family. It’s not to say that family isn’t important – obviously having an awesome family can make a huge difference and I want to be the ultimate support structure for my little Harley. However, my thoughts have been going towards a lot of my friends lately, and how important they are in my life, how they keep me sane and make me laugh and I wouldn’t be the same without them.

When Dean and I were getting married, a lot of people were throwing around that cliche about marrying your best friend, and I would laugh at them. I adore my husband. There is no one else on this planet who I could wake up next to every day and never get sick of, who makes me laugh every day. Dean does his best to make me happy each and every day, which is something that I do for him as well. We are beyond compatible and I couldn’t ask for a better partner, but he isn’t my best friend. There is something different in a friend, which includes the ability to moan about that same awesome partner, which is absolutely invaluable. Continue Reading

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1 Comment Pregnancy, Rambling