Tag Archives: mother’s love

Missing something is the best sign

I went to an event yesterday. It was in the middle of the day, and ended up taking me away from home for quite a bunch of hours. I was so grateful to have my mom around – she was able to watch Harley and keep in the loop about how things were going so that I could just try to enjoy myself. After being out for over three hours, Harley was starving and my boobs were bursting and we had a wonderful reunion. But it was more than feeding time; I was missing her.

When I’ve missed her before, it was sort of like leaving the house without your bag. It felt like something was missing and I was worried the whole time. But now that Harley is developing her own personality, I actually missed her. Not the idea of her, not nursing or whatever else, I missed her silly smile and laugh. I wanted to cuddle her and love her. And it was the most wonderful sign for me. Continue Reading

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I had the best first Mother’s Day

Baby with controller

I was so excited for Mother’s Day this year, because it was my very first as a mommy. I’ve always enjoyed Mother’s Day as a day to treat my mom, to make her feel special and hopefully make sure she knows just how much I love and appreciate her. That’s why for my first Mother’s Day, I was so happy that she was here, able to celebrate with me. Obviously Harley is too young to know what yesterday meant, but it was still such a special day. While I was spoiled with delicious treats, it was something else that made it such a special day.

Despite being in the early stages of teething, and struggling with intermittent pain the past few days, Harley was remarkably delightful yesterday. She was full of smiles and laughs, enjoying all her time with her mommy and daddy, her omi, her granny and grandpa, her auntie Kelly, and her godparents. She was so adorable, and we had glorious cuddles and fun together. Becoming a mommy has been such a crazy journey, and it’s only just begun, but my first Mother’s Day just solidified that this was truly the right life choice. Continue Reading

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What I love about my 5 month old

Harley is now five months old. It’s hard to believe that five months ago, Harley entered this world and I became a mom. It still makes me so sad to think about how it happened – it was so traumatic, not just for me and for her, but for everyone who loves us and was so worried about us. Having my mom here, I realize just how hard it was for her, too. But also, I see how much my life has changed, how happy I am in new ways, and how amazing it is to watch this little life grow up before my eyes.

Every day, Harley seems to master a new skill. From one day to the next, she’ll go from showing no interest in her toy to all of a sudden being enthralled by the look and sound of it. She has discovered her hands, and thanks to starting teething she loves shoving them in her mouth. She loves to smile, often giving me a huge grin when I take her out of her cot in the morning, or pausing from nursing in order to smile up at me. I’m no longer wondering if she knows who I am or likes me – those huge grins are proof enough that we are both madly in love with each other. Continue Reading

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The moment it was all worth it

Maybe it was the postpartum depression, but I didn’t have that feeling of falling madly in love with Harley from the moment she was born. I loved her, but it was really hard in the beginning because I was so sick and she was in the NICU. Then we got her home and she was really difficult and it was a huge adjustment. But things have been getting easier with her, and she’s starting to show her personality, which is just such fun. Yesterday was a really hard day with her, and yet it was the day I finally had that feeling of being overwhelmed with love for her.

For those who follow the Wonder Weeks, Harley was in a leap week. She still sorta is, but yesterday was the worst of it – she was uncomfortable and upset and just seemed to cry the whole day. I had a lunch meeting, and normally I’d take her along with me, but I knew she would just scream and be a distraction and I needed to be at the top of my game. So I left her with her granny, and I felt horrible for doing so. Oh the joys of motherhood – so much guilt no matter what I do. Continue Reading

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How I started to fall in love with my baby

skull bib

About three weeks ago, I wrote a rather miserable post. I was tired, frustrated and totally befuddled by Harley. She would cry and I would panic – what was I supposed to do to fix it? I only really liked her when she slept, and I felt like a horrible mother for it. I started by forgiving myself and accepting that a mother’s love didn’t have to be the typical image we see of it, but just that I kept trying to help her, even when I was clueless. But things really started to get easier when Harley started breastfeeding once she hit her due date; the power of nursing can’t be stressed enough for me. It makes me feel close to her, and gives me more agency because I feel there is something I can physically do to stop her crying, more than just shoving a bottle in her mouth.

But while things were improving, the process of falling in love with her was also moving along. Our massage class helped so much, and continues to help. It’s so great learning new things that I can do with her. I had planned on reading to her, playing games and other activities as she got older, but when she’s just a blob it felt like I couldn’t really do much with her. Now, we play with massages, physical games, songs, and tummy time. I can’t believe the surge of pride I feel when I see how strong she is, how I keep telling anyone who will listen that she’s going to be a genius. Slowly, I’ve realized that I’m growing to love her. Continue Reading

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