Tag Archives: Parenting

What is (a mother’s) love?

The love and support following yesterday’s post was a huge relief. It was so reassuring to know I’m not the first person to resent or despise her child during the newborn phase, or really during any point in her life. The exhaustion, frustration and responsibility is enough to get to anyone; sleep deprivation is bad enough, but when combined with a bundle of need it’s made that much worse.

In my post, I mentioned feeling like a bad mother. I mean, a mother’s love is supposed to be enormous, unconditional and immediate. Moms aren’t supposed to be irritated to the point of wanting to run away, are they? But there was a lovely comment that I received yesterday, and it reframed my thinking on this. The love of a mother for her child is different from the love experienced for a partner, obviously, and it’s changing my thinking about love in general. Continue Reading

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1 Comment Parenting

A throne and a Tomb Raider

From the moment we found out that we were having a little girl, I have been calling Harley a princess. I’m not sure why, but it just seemed to fit. Now that she’s here, we have a range of names for her, including calling her our little banana thanks to how she looks all swaddled up in her yellow baby blanket, or the little terrorist when she would scream and cry seemingly without cause. Now that we’re getting more used to her, it seems that “princess” is even more fitting considering her preferred postures.

Yes, Harley loves being worn in the sling, and she likes being held in general. However, once of her most comfortable and happy positions is sitting up. Obviously, she isn’t old enough to actually sit up, but she seems to love being propped up as if on a throne. We already knew she loved her car seat, especially because we could also use it as a rocker in the house, but Dean discovered that she also enjoys the couch. It’s one of those discoveries that feels inherently like a dad experiment, and has given us some newfound peace and free time. Continue Reading

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2 Comments Gaming, Parenting

Six weeks later

Today, I went to the doctor for my six week post-op check up. It’s kinda hard to believe that six weeks ago my life changed so completely. It feels like an eternity since then, although that could just be because I’ve been mostly awake for the past week of it, but still – so much has happened that turned everything upside down. I already sorta wrote about what I went through, although I’ve realized that there is so much more to the story. I mean, imagine being Dean, waking up to a wife with a mouth full of blood having a seizure? What about the ambulance that didn’t come, or the fact they couldn’t do the surgery until my blood pressure went down and it just wouldn’t, staying at a life-threatening 240/180 no matter how much medication they gave me.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on the day to day of being a first time mom to my princess Harley. I will continue to do so, but I think at a milestone like this, it’s important to look back as well. So much has changed in such a short period of time, it’s kind of hard to even process. That’s probably why I’ve been feeling so down lately, too – sleep deprivation will do that, but so will some PTSD and the emotional shock of adjusting to a complete lifestyle change a full two months before I was expecting it. Continue Reading

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4 Comments Fitness, Marriage, Parenting, Preeclampsia, Pregnancy

Lessons learned from the first week with an infant

Babies are hard work. There is no doubt about it. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s a different kind of hard than I anticipated. People talk about how awful it is dealing with dirty nappies, but that’s seriously been the least of my worries. I’d rather change dirty nappies all day long than try to figure out why Harley won’t sleep or what’s causing her to cry. But I have learned a lot in this first week with her.

I think the biggest thing has been to believe in myself. Somehow, I know how to be a mom. not just any mom, but Harley’s mom. I may have picked up some cool tips and advice from people and articles along the way, but the implementation and differentiations are all me. A week into this, and I’m trusting myself in a whole new way – this is more than living my own life according to my own rules, it’s raising a new life, and doing it the way I think is best is really the only option. But here are some lessons learned so far. Continue Reading

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Exhaustion, blues, or postpartum depression?

the blue period

Harley and I have had a weird journey so far. Starting out under such traumatic circumstances, we didn’t get to have that typical “bond in the first moments of life” that I was hoping for/planning on while pregnant. Then she was in the NICU and I took on the role of supermom as much as possible – pumping to have her exclusively breast fed, holding her as much as possible and doing everything I could to be an awesome mom to her. Then she came home.

The first day with her was utterly terrifying. I mean, I knew how to do the basics like clean her, change her, feed her, etc. But to know what she wanted when she would scream and wail? Not so much. It was incredibly daunting, but as everyone promised, it did get easier. Then there was a rough night that left me utterly exhausted and I became convinced that Dean and I had made a terrible mistake having this child. She felt like an awful house guest who would never leave, and I was devastated. Thankfully that feeling passed, but I have been keeping tabs on my emotional state. Continue Reading

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5 Comments Parenting, Rambling